I’ve been reading sexy fiction;
That Fifty Shades of Grey,
And I’m eyeing up the ladies,
For me to have me way.
But I’m in a old age nursing home,
And I’m ninety-two next week.
So the chance I’ll survive bondage
Is looking rather bleak.
Me knees aren’t what they used to be,
And me hair is getting thinner,
But I wander round the ladies chairs
On me trusty metal zimmer.
Doreen’s looking rather bored,
So I dream we’ll have adventures,
But just before I make my move
I saw she’d dropped her dentures.
I move my sights to Doris,
Who used to be a nun,
And despite my reservations,
I thought we might have fun.
But Doris wasn’t up for it.
I should have guested as much,
When she drew herself up slowly,
And hit me with her crutch.
So I latch onto old Elsie,
And get her in a corner.
Although poor Elsie’s rather deaf
You’d think someone could have warned her.
“Do you want to have your way with me?”
I screamed into her ear.
Well, Elsie put her glasses on
And looked at me in fear.
“Have you been at that book again?”
She asked in trepidation.
I grinned at her and nodded,
Without any hesitation.
Old Elsie yelled for rescue,
I was left with little hope,
As the nursing staff came over,
Before I’d even had a grope.
Now I’m sitting drinking bromide tea;
It’s probably for the best.
My chance of being successful?
I’d have trouble taking off me vest!