I’ve been reading sexy fiction;
That Fifty Shades of Grey,
And I’m eyeing up the ladies,
For me to have me way.

But I’m in a old age nursing home,
And I’m ninety-two next week.
So the chance I’ll survive bondage
Is looking rather bleak.

Me knees aren’t what they used to be,
And me hair is getting thinner,
But I wander round the ladies chairs
On me trusty metal zimmer.

Doreen’s looking rather bored,
So I dream we’ll have adventures,
But just before I make my move
I saw she’d dropped her dentures.

I move my sights to Doris,
Who used to be a nun,
And despite my reservations,
I thought we might have fun.

But Doris wasn’t up for it.
I should have guested as much,
When she drew herself up slowly,
And hit me with her crutch.

So I latch onto old Elsie,
And get her in a corner.
Although poor Elsie’s rather deaf
You’d think someone could have warned her.

“Do you want to have your way with me?”
I screamed into her ear.
Well, Elsie put her glasses on
And looked at me in fear.

“Have you been at that book again?”
She asked in trepidation.
I grinned at her and nodded,
Without any hesitation.

Old Elsie yelled for rescue,
I was left with little hope,
As the nursing staff came over,
Before I’d even had a grope.

Now I’m sitting drinking bromide tea;
It’s probably for the best.
My chance of being successful?
I’d have trouble taking off me vest!


About The Author

Eddie Boverington

Edward “Eddie” Boverington is a freelance moustachioculturalist and professional cobbler, a student of history, and in his spare time composes medieval inspired poems and lute ballads in the 16th century style. He grew up in Clapham in the 1950s, where he still lives above his family’s shoe repair shop. Some of his moustache designs have won awards in prestigious international competitions, such as Le Concourse de Bacchantes et Moustaches de Francais. He can also polish, recondition and resole even the finest boots overnite for only £25.

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