The New Yorker’s Alex Siquig has written the hilarious Ask King Richard III: A Political Advice Column, where American Presidential candidates seek Richard’s advice. Our favourite:

Have you ever seen someone dominate an election like this? I would have curb-stomped Reagan. I am more popular than Mussolini ever was. I am significantly taller than Jesus. I’ve made a huge amount of money, and I’m not going to apologize to anyone for that. China is scared of me. My question is: How are you?

Sincerely,
Talking Loudly Inside Trump Towers

Dear Donald,

Thank you for writing. I am fine, though afflicted by a certain melancholy for, as I understand it, most of you think I am the ruthless caricature created by that cretinous ass William Shakespeare. Do you people really think I was in my mother’s womb for two years and born with fangs? That not only did I kill my own brother’s sweet sons but I also found time to kill Henry VI, his son Edward, and my own beloved brother George? That I murdered my wife so that I could marry my niece? Calumny. Oh, and Donald? You are like poison that screams its victim to death. You belong in a dungeon.

Read the rest of the very funny answers here.

About The Author

Olga Hughes is currently pre-occupied with fairy tales, fantasy, misanthropy, medieval history and the long eighteenth century. She has a Bachelor of Fine Art from the Victorian College of the Arts and is currently majoring in Literature and History at Deakin. She has contributed to websites such as History behind Game of Thrones, The Anne Boleyn Files and The Tudor Society.

3 Responses

  1. Underdogge

    Ee-bye-gum, King Richard doesn’t have a bad way with words for somebody who’s been dead 5 centuries.

    Reply
  2. Esther

    Funny (although I would prefer Richard dealing with him via battleaxe — Trump’s egotism, megalomania, and habit of blaming everyone else but him reminds me of Henry VIII)

    Reply
    • myrna Smith

      When writing a book review column for the Ricardian Bulletin, I was moved to doggerel poetry, as follows, and with an apology to W.S. Gilbert:

      “Every lad and every gal that’s born into the world alive,
      Is either a little liberal or a little conservative.”
      So sang Gilbert to his pal, and forsooth, he spoke no jive.
      So if by means of time-machine Richard walked with us again,
      On which side would he have been? Pray give your answer and explain.
      And on which Tudor, that so-and-so? Your reviewer’s answer is down below.

      And the reply:
      Tudor’s “soak-the-rich” policy made him the first liberal, you see.
      Richard, his opposite in great and small ways, would vote Republican always.
      What, always?
      Almost always.
      Conservative almost always!
      (Remember ‘fore you write or speak, my tongue’s most firmly in my cheek.)

      BTW, there are those who say that Ted Cruz looks rather like Richard, or at least like his re-created face. Something about the jawline. What do you think?

      Reply

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