If only Queen Amidala of Naboo had paid her taxes to the Trade Federation, instead of spending her entire planetary budget on insanely elaborate coiffures and costumes, none of these “Star Wars” would have happened. Senator Palpatine’s schemes to play the rebels against the Galactic Republic, and seize power as the Emperor, would never have come to fruition, Anakin Skywalker would have remained an annoyingly “special” droid repairer on the tediously dry lackwater planet Tatooine, and would never have developed his psychotic penchant for killing women and children.

On the Forest Moon of Endor, Ewoks, clearly the results of a cloning experiment by the Kamino on Yorkshire Terriers gone badly awry, having evolved with the ability to use primitive spears, wooden traps, a taste for manflesh would never have captured and prepared to feast on our heroes, Leia, Luke, Han and Chewie. Something about C3P0’s festive metal hide left them awestruck. Perhaps a deep genetic memory that invoked a fear of vacuum cleaners. Having been convinced by the erstwhile shiny yellow god that our scrappy adventurers had too many midi-chlorians to make good eating, (seriously do not allow your potential dinner to swim in public swimming pools) they then decapitated numerous unsuspecting Imperial troops, turning their helmets into congas, undoubtedly after scooping out the tasty morsels within, most likely sautéed with a banana and nut sauce.

skullsdrumming

 

Our heroes seem to have turned a blind eye to the culinary peculiarities of this gruesome tribe of mutant mutts. I can just see C3P0 rubbing his head and mumbling, “The horror, the horror,” like that other god-like figure worshiped by savage tribes of devolved cannibals, Colonel Kurtz. Of course, Kurtz would have had The Rolling Stones in his cave. The Ewoks seemed to have an entire orchestral string section hidden away in a tree house, as they rattled those skulls and sang,

 

Yub Nub

Freedom, we got freedom,
And now that we can be free,
Come on and celebrate!

Power, we got power,
And now that we can be free,
It’s time to celebrate!

Celebrate the freedom!
Celebrate the power!
Celebrate the glory!
Celebrate the love!

Glory, we found glory!
The power showed us the light,
And now we all live free.

Celebrate the light, (Freedom!)
Celebrate the might, (Power!)
Celebrate the fight, (Glory!)
Celebrate the love.
Celebrate the love.
Celebrate the love.

Glory, we found glory.
The power showed us the light,
And now we all live free.

Celebrate the light, (Freedom!)
Celebrate the might, (Power!)
Celebrate the fight, (Glory!)
Celebrate the love.
Celebrate the love.
Celebrate the love.
Celebrate the love.

Yub Nub indeed. That’s a loose English translation of the original Ewok Celebration song from the end of Return Of The Jedi. This was edited in favour of the instrumental Victory Celebration in later release versions. I suspect because the actual translation involves boiled marrow and fried liver, and celebrating the gravy. Maybe with fava beans.

Fortunately JJ Abrams for Star Wars: The Force Awakens returned to a rollicking matinee adventure, less of the wild west Colonial era narratives of the noble frontiersman and the noble savage, but still with Fascist British military types, and also a giant Gollum-like evil hologram, and a nasty self-indulgent Lithuanian emo. I assume he’s Lithuanian because he is so Vilnius. The Brits seem to have become very successful in a galaxy far far away, but mostly display a definite tendency towards evil Fascist jackbootery. Meanwhile our new heroes, Rey, Finn, BB8, are all just gorgeously feisty.

Unfortunately he has left out George Lucas’s fascinating discussions on the intricacies of Galactic tax law, the highlights of episodes I-III. There is no Jar Jar Binks, not even his cousin Jam Jar Jinks, no Gungans at all. Everyone’s favourite fishmonster, Admiral Ackbar made an appearance. He must be like one of those legendary catfish that just seems to evade anglers and lives to a ripe old age, growing wise and whiskery. There is some concern that he may have become an icon for ISIL, who seem to run about shouting “Hurrah for Ackbar!”

So many other familiar furry faces and tentacles. I can only thank JJ for not including Ewoks, as cannibals make dubious allies. Hopefully they will remain on The Moon of Endor, where I suspect for the good of the galaxy they have been given some chew toys, deloused and neutered. Hero X-Wing pilot Wedge was last seen dancing with Ewoks. With no appearance in The Force Awakens, I expect he ended up in the pot. I’m still a bit worried for the London Symphonic string section, who may still be trapped in that tree house.

amidalataxes

About The Author

C S Hughes

C S Hughes is a proud member of the TV generation, studied film and communications, collects the paperback books of Philip K Dick, loves science fiction and fantasy books, B grade movies and cult TV, American thrillers and British noir, restoring vintage watches, reading poetry, creating innovative illustrated poetry books which are available in Apple’s iBooks format, and cake. Especially cake. He has also written short stories, and has a collection of horror stories coming out in 2015.

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